The Fever, The Failure, The Fight

The Fever

As some of you know, this Spring, I was fortunate enough to travel to Jamaica with my wonderful husband and two close friends.  Two days before we left, I got sick.  Really sick.  Like, I LEGIT thought I was dying sick.  My first night in Jamaica I didn't even make it to dinner, I just slept and slept and slept.  I didn't start feeling better until about half way through our vacation but still managed to salvage a few fun days in the sun.

Then I came home.  I don't know if the fever temporarily altered my brain, or if I was still on island time, but I was in a whole other state of mind.  I'm serious.  Even while SOBER it was like I could see everything more clearly than I ever had before.  Colours were brighter, music had a hidden meaning, and I had this CERTAINTY that EVERYTHING was going to fall into place and just take off.  I felt like my life was on the verge of success and everything was so close to "blowing up."

I had a long list of projects with hours of hard work behind them. They were all just a few days away from being released, one right after another.  Not only that, a few new opportunities were presented to me while I was away and they all sounded amazing.  Like, really amazing.

The Failure

One by one each and every last project, plan, and opportunity I had lined up had either: changed, fell through, went dark, or was put on hold.  EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  WTF!?!? I was beyond frustrated.  I was spinning my tires and going nowhere. You grow up being taught that "hard work pays off" and I had literally been working so hard that I had made myself extremely sick...for what!?!  But even in that frustration and anger, I still had this weird underlying sense of "it's going to be ok."

The Fight

Nails:  Kayleigh Saad

I believe in God and I really really felt that in my "fever" stage, God was telling me that this was his plan for me.  I felt like I could hear him whisper to my heart, "I have even bigger plans for you.  Trust me."  So when one by one things started to fall through, I didn't feel like "shit, maybe this wasn't meant to be" or that this wasn't God's plan. I just felt like, "OK. I'm frustrated, but now what?" I decided, "I'm not going to give up. I still have a lot of fight left in me."  So here I am, still pushing through.  One day at a time.  

"Broken crayons still colour."