I WANT TO GIVE A F*CK AGAIN

Photography: Stephanie Lane  Dancer: Nicole Kirkland Silk/Styling: Dee Silkie

Around my wrist are two black chords with a small piece of hardened lava hanging from them. I fingered the lava wondering if this small piece of mother nature would really bring me calmness, like the internet had promised me when I looked up the healing properties of the stone. I wondered all of these things as I sat in my desk which I had recently been away from for a week while traveling Europe.

Greece had been everything I had dreamed it would be. I had traveled to Athens and Santorini. I had seen great temples, ancient ruins, and white stone villages hanging onto the sides of cliffs. I ate great food, watched beautiful sunsets, and smelled the sea. Even when I was in Europe, however, I still felt numb. It was a feeling that had been lingering in me for months now. It was a feeling that was very much foreign to me. I had always been a person who cared too much and felt too deep. I was constantly told, growing up, that I was "too sensitive" (something that bothered me but could never express, for fear of it confirming everyones accusations). Lately, however, I just didn't feel anything really. I was filled with a feeling of passiveness and blah.

This time last year I was so focused and passionate! I knew how crazy my dreams were but I was POSITIVE that I was going to reach them. I look back on last year and wonder where that passion and drive went. I just don't CARE as much anymore...and that is scary. I think this is natural when I worked SO HARD and didn't see the results I was looking for. Everyone told me to make "SMART" (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-based) goals and I laughed at them. Telling them that I needed to dream bigger. Now I wonder if maybe they were right and if I had been more proud of my small achievements, I would feel more charged and energized than I do now.

I HATE this feeling of blah and passiveness. I miss the high highs and the low lows. Lately I just feel like I have turned off my emotional switch and I am not phased by anything. The problem with this, however, is that I am a person who is motivated by emotions. Usually negative emotions, such as jealousy and anger. I have never hustled as much in my life as when I am angry at someone (more on this in a later blog post).

Anyway, that is where I am at, and is how I have felt for the past six months. Is this normal? Is this burn out? I don't know. Would love to know your thoughts in the comments section!

D.W.